


Past Mistakes

by BlueParachutes



Category: Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: #BEN AND HAN TALKING, #BEN IS STRUGGLING, #Ben knows there is darkness in him, #HAN TELLS BEN ABOUT QI'RA, #I literally just wrote this in the car, #MENTIONS OF LEIA AND LUKE, #Old memories, #SOLO A STAR WARS STORY SPOILERS, #SOME CUTE MOMENTS, #Sad and happy, #qi'ra, #the past is always with us, Blood, F/M, HAN SOLO MOVIE SPOILERS, Qi'ra and Han Solo, Solo, Solo a star wars story - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 16:52:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14773470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueParachutes/pseuds/BlueParachutes
Summary: Han finally opens up about Qi'ra to Ben... of all people.*!!SOLO A STAR WARS STORY MOVIE SPOILERS!!*





	Past Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> In case you didn't read my summary or tags, there is SPOILERS for SOLO A STAR WARS STORY.
> 
> I had some feelings after it, so I wrote this after the movie. I was in the car.
> 
> Enjoy!

Ben sat on the edge of his crisp white bed as he slowly turned the faded pages of yet another Jedi training book that Master Luke was forcing him to read.

Ben couldn’t wrap his head around why Luke was making him read so many books. Wasn’t it enough that he showed up to the classes and trained? Ben knew that he was well on his way of becoming one of the best Padawans the Galaxy had ever seen. He was naturally gifted when it came to using the force.

When Ben was a child, other kids would struggle to lift a simple coin, while on the other hand, Ben was ready to lift a bolder.

“Please!” Ben had cried as he tugged at the seams of Luke’s robe.

“Are you crazy?” Luke had said with wide eyes, “What happens when you lift that bolder, and you can’t keep it up in the air, huh? I’m really not in the mood to do heavy lifting this early in the morning... definitely not a thousand-pound rock.”

Ben closed the book before him gently and glanced out his bedroom window to stare at the dark greenery that flooded the immense horizon. Ben wanted to explore the world with his powers, but Luke never allowed it. The old man could be incredibly naïve at times.

He loathed how Luke could treat him like some precious child. After all, he was seventeen years of age. He was _practically_ an adult. Sometimes, when Ben was practicing with his lightsaber, Luke would tell him to stop. He never even _had_ a reason. Apparently, Ben was getting too ahead of the other students.

Ben knew it was because he was over controlling.

As Ben got up to put the old book back into it’s proper place on the bookshelf, he sensed somebody standing outside of his door. _Han._

“You can come in.” Ben mumbled. All he ever did was mumble to the floor. Partly because he was self-conscious.

 Ben put his hand up to the door. It softly drifted open.

“Always love a good old magic trick.” Han said with a half-crocked smile.

“It’s not magic.” Ben said defensively.

“I know, I’m just teasing you son.”

“What is it? What do you want?!”

Han put his hands up defensively. “Should I come back when you wake up on the left side of the bed?”

“What?!” Ben said with a puzzled look on his face.

“When you were a lot younger, you were really scared of thunderstorms, and you would sneak into our room at night. You always wanted to sleep on the left side of the bed because that’s where your mother always slept... sleeps. You were so small back then, and you always wanted to cuddle with her until the storm passed over. Ever since then, when you don’t sleep on the left side, you always seem to be extra moody.”

“Dad, first of all, I’m not moody” Ben said slowly, “And second of all, now you’re embarrassing me!”

“Isn’t that what fathers are for?!”

“No!”

“Then tell me... what do you think I'm for?”

“I don’t know!” Ben couldn’t help but roll his eyes to the back of his head.

Han laughed lightly, “I think _us_ fathers are here to help make our son’s look good in front of the ladies! I know how young men can be. After all, I was one myself.”

Ben ran his hands through his curly dark hair subconsciously, “I really don’t need advice about woman… from my father… of all people.”

“I’m a little offended, Ben. I’ll have you know that every single lady in the _entire_ galaxy wanted me.”

“On what planet exactly?”

Alright, Han had to admit that was pretty good.

Ben couldn’t help but shake his head at that thought. Sometimes, he didn’t know what his mother saw in Han. He was so damn annoying sometimes, but he guessed that was part of his charm.”

 "Every single one."

“If you’re so good with ladies, why didn’t you win mom over right away?”

Han swayed on the balls of his feet, “Your mother and I have a long and complicated relationship.”

“Due to your part in it...” A small smile crossed over Ben's parted lips.

Within the next second, Ben was in a headlock.

 “Hey! Let go!” Ben laughed as Han quickly messed up his precious mane.

 "I certainly gave you a lot of hair!" Han teased.

“Hey! You know my hair is off limits!”

“What is with teenage boys and their hair?!”

“You should know.”

“I really should. You should have seen me back in the day.” Han said as he released Ben from his grasp.

Ben crossed his arms as he sunk into his marshmallow of a bed, “I’ve seen pictures.”

“They don’t do me justice. I was _much_ better looking”

“Mhm.”

“You're lucky you take after me.”

“Clearly, my good looks come from mother.”

Han couldn’t argue with that. Leia was more stunning than all of the stars in the galaxy combined.

There was a pause before Ben spoke next.

“Dad?!” Ben said as he softened his eyes, “In all seriousness, I know that mom is your princess and everything, but was... was there ever anyone before her?!”

For once, Han didn’t say anything. The silence around him seemed to be the only person speaking.

Ben watched as the thinning skin of his father's forehead wrinkled. The lines beside his eyes remained still. There was a shift in the atmosphere. Ben could feel it enveloping them.

“Dad?”

“Yes…”

“Did you hear me?”

“The answer is _yes_.”

“Oh.” Ben mouthed.

The clock in Ben’s room continued to click.

Han chose his next words carefully.

“Her name was Qi’ra. She was everything to me. She was my entire world back when I was younger.”

Ben swallowed hard. _Qi’ra._ Her name began to swim around in his mind. Ben had never thought there was anyone before Leia. He knew he shouldn’t have been surprised. Han was a ladies man after all, but it didn’t change the fact that Ben wished he hadn’t asked such a question.

“We grew up together. We were supposed to start a life together but...”

Han trailed off.

Ben exhaled deeply. He glanced up at Han without saying anything. He knew his father was deep in thought, and he didn’t want to make any kind of disruption. Han was a fairly reserved man, rarely ever opening up about anything, so this was his one chance to peak into his father’s world before their family. He wasn’t going to jeopardize a moment of rare, utter truth.

“She chose a different path, and I beat myself up for it every _damn_ day. I know I could have saved her. If I had gotten to her sooner, if I would have let her go first—then maybe it would have been me. Maybe I would have been stronger. I should have let her go before me... I was a coward. 

“I’m sorry.” Were the only words Ben could mumble. They seemed too simple, but they were the only option.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for. We all have our choices. She chose her own path.”

Ben could no longer meet his father's aging eyes, “What path?” He said as his eyes remained fixed on the ground.

“The path that leads to the dark side.”

“Why?" Ben practically erupted like a volcano. "How could she do something like that…” Ben had sunken his teeth into his bottom lip so hard that he had drawn blood.

“Power, son. People crave power more than anything. More than food... more than affection… even more than _love_.”

“Did you ever try to reach out to here. Did you ever try to convince her to come back?!”

“I saw her a few years... after it all. I was on some planet... I can’t even remember the name of now, and I was collecting some scraps for a buddy of mine who needed some extra money to get out of another bad situation. Everything was going fine... until everything went to hell, the usual. A ship landed near the cost of the frozen sea. Within seconds, a group, lead by a man named Darth Maul, appeared. I ducked and hid behind a snowbank. I watched as Qi’ra slaughtered the population around me… with the stroke of a red blade. White turned to red."

Ben felt his eyes flicker.

"I can still hear the cries of the people.”

Ben wiped his lip quickly, “Did she… did she see you?”

“When she was getting on board the ship, I believe she spotted me.” Han felt his breathing become shaky, “Son… it was her eyes… out of everything… it’s the one thing that forever haunts me. They used to be a mix of light green and blue, but the person who stared back at me, that wasn’t Qi’ra… All I saw was a pair of yellow eyes starring into my soul. She didn’t come after me. The ship didn’t shoot at me. She was just gone.”

“Do you think she remembered you? She had to remember you.”

“I’d like to think that’s why she didn’t kill me. She spared my life before. I always hoped that maybe there was a little bit of her left inside that shell of a human being.”

The young boy didn’t know what to make of this new found revelation.

“Is there—do you think there is a chance…“ Ben chose his next words carefully, “Qi’ra isn’t my mother? Right?!”

“Of course not! Leia is your mother, and she is the best damn mother and the best damn wife I could have ever asked for. I wouldn’t trade her in for anything!"

In that moment, Han didn’t understand _why_ Ben would have thought that Qi’ra was his mother. He just couldn’t rationalize the reasoning behind his son’s logic in that complex moment.

He missed one of the early warning signs.

“Listen, Ben, I’m telling you this because I always worry about you. If you ever feel like you’re alone in all of this, you can talk to us. You can talk to Luke. If you ever feel the dark side rising in you, you can fight it. Come to us. I don't want to lose you... like I lost her.” Han had brought his hand up to touch the side of Ben’s soft face.

He rarely ever showed affection.

Ben only nodded, “I promise I will.”

Han offered a smile, but it was only one of hopelessness. And that was it.

But as Han made his way towards the door of the young boy's room, he turned to look at his precious son for one last time, “It was nice getting to talk to you… Just know that I... I love _you_. My heart wouldn’t be able to handle losing another person I love to the dark side, especially _you_.”

As the door shut, Ben was left alone with silence.

Ben gazed out of the immense window of his bedroom with a new perspective.

But perspectives can change within a blinking of an eye, and within a moment, Ben felt his hand start to shake again. He desperately tried to fight those familiar emotions, but they only caged him.

He knew there was something inside of him. Something much darker than he could ever imagine, and he had feeling, he knew, that Luke could sense it as well.

As Ben looked outside, he let his father’s worlds swirl around in his conflicted mind.

He tried to hold on to the tranquility and beauty of the outside world. He couldn’t let himself slip away.

He had to hold on for his father.

But sometimes, the right choice, it can be too hard to make.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you got something out of it all.
> 
> I appreciate comments :)


End file.
